How to Get Through a Breakup
Breaking up from a relationship is for most people one of the most painful times in our lives. It’s natural and normal to feel anger, grief, frustration, longing, and depression.
A breakup can leave us confused, with thoughts and feelings of “What do I do now?” and wondering how to best cope with the pain and to move on. This guide will help you to navigate the painful emotions of a breakup in the best way possible, giving you a way forward into a better happier life.
All of the skills in this guide are based on scientific research and when applied consistently, can help you regain a sense of wellbeing in your life, while working your way through your breakup. Together we’re going to take the first steps to making your life even better than it was before.
Why do I keep thinking of them?
Ancient humans evolved an in-built attachment system in order to survive their dangerous world. Although our world is a lot less dangerous today, we still have the same attachment system and it’s just as strong as theirs. This system makes it difficult at times to break relationships. One way it does this is by making you think about your ex and also feeling grief, as well as other feelings such as longing. It’s a completely normal unavoidable part of any breakup. But luckily unlike ancient humans we have better knowledge and ways to cope, and there are things we can do about it.
How to stop thinking of them
Remove reminders
The first and one of the best ways to stop thinking about your partner is to remove reminders of them from your environment.
1. Start with your physical space
Box up anything of your partner’s from your home and either give it to them to take away quickly, or put it in storage and have them take their possessions as soon as they are able to.
2. Social media
Once their possessions are out of the way it’s time to cut out reminders on social media. Unfriend your ex. This way you won’t be seeing their posts which will trigger many thoughts and painful emotions. If you find that you still keep checking their profile/posts after you’ve unfriended them then the next best option is to make it harder for you to view their posts. One good way is to block them, so that you’re putting one extra stage into being able to view their posts. Anything else that you can do to make it more difficult to view their posts will help you.
3. Set boundaries
Avoiding places you know your ex hangs out is another good decision to stop you from thinking of them. This is also the time to re-evaluate mutual friendships and to place boundaries with your friends. Having your friends bring up your ex often in conversation can set anyone back. Communicate your needs to your friends and let them know how much/little you’d like them to talk about your ex. One boundary you might want to take up is to tell your friends that you don’t want them to ask you about your ex at all, and that you will bring up your ex if you want to talk about them. That way you won’t have any unwelcome reminders of them.
Distract
Keeping as busy as possible is your other best option for stopping thinking about your ex. This should be done at the same time as removing reminders of them in order to maximise its effectiveness.
1. Do the things you love
Doing the things we love naturally engages our attention and helps us to focus on the present. Put a list of the activities you love somewhere you can see it as a reminder to do the things you love each day. During difficult moments where you think about your ex, turn to the list and no matter how you feel immediately do one of the activities you love.
2. Do brand new things
Doing familiar activities that you love might not be enough to help you stay distracted and to boost you, another way to do so is to embrace the new. Doing new activities will naturally distract you more as it means that you have to focus more intently. Unlike familiar activities you love that you can do automatically without thinking, new activities haven’t been learnt or practised yet. During the learning phase of any new activity we have to focus more in order for the process to get wired into our brains and bodies.
3. Be in a supportive environment
Being in a supportive environment is another fantastic way to keep distracted. This is the time you will want to be around good friends and good family members. People who will keep conversations light, will tell jokes, or talk about interesting subjects. The people who know you well and care about your feelings and supporting you. Meeting new people is also a great way of staying distracted. Perhaps you could go to a new group or class, or ask your friends to take you along when they are meeting some of their friends so you can mix.
Working with thoughts
You are going to have thoughts of your ex — it’s human and everyone does it — the best thing to do is to try and accept this fact. Once you accept it then you won’t beat yourself up for having these thoughts, and you can instead focus on working with them.
Above is my method for working with any difficult/painful thoughts you might have. Let’s take a closer look at the stages:
The first stage is to notice that you are having a difficult thought. This might be either remembering something about your ex, or a judgement about yourself.
The second stage is to question the thought by asking is this useful? or is this helping me?
The third stage is to do an activity that will be helpful to you. This could either be a self-care activity such as taking a bath, going for a walk, or having a healthy meal. Or it could be any activity that will distract you such as talking with a friend, or doing a hobby such as painting, crafts, or sports.
The final stage is to celebrate after doing your activity. We’re going to explore the reasons for this shortly on the following pages but the gist of it is that celebrating helps create a habit, and we want you to make a habit of doing actions to take care of yourself rather than being stuck in the cycle of difficult/painful thoughts.
Working with emotions
Thoughts
Our thoughts are directly connected to how we are feeling. When we have difficult/painful thoughts we are going to feel sadness and pain. Use the methods previously discussed to work with your thoughts and it will improve how you are feeling.
Bodily needs
Making sure you listen to your body and meet its needs is very important during a breakup. Eat as healthily as you can, stay hydrated, get enough sleep, and take care of your personal hygiene as well as the cleanliness of your home. When one or more of these areas is not taken care of it will have a negative impact on your mood and the ability to regulate your emotions.
Environment
We all have an impact on each other’s emotions every day. When you’re around thoughtless, uncaring people who can’t or won’t meet your needs that will have a negative impact on your emotions. Try to surround yourself with as many supportive people as possible and avoid those that have a negative impact on you.
How to stop wanting
You might be longing to get your ex back or if you were the one who broke up with your ex you might be feeling guilty for doing it. Both of which are common and completely normal feelings after a breakup. The solution for both of these feelings is to recognise the negative qualities of your ex and the relationship.
If you’re longing for your ex back it is good to recognise that they broke up with you for a reason. If a person chooses to break up with you they aren’t the right person for you to be in a relationship with. Someone who truly values you and wants to be with you will work on a relationship rather than break up with you. You deserve someone who loves you, wants to be with you, and wants to work together on any issues that arise in your relationship.
If you were the one who broke up with your ex then it’s important to recognise that you broke up with them for a reason, which was probably that they were making you unhappy.
To remind you of why you don’t want your ex back, or why you shouldn’t feel guilty for having broken up with them, get a piece of paper or open a note app and list as many of their negative qualities as you can.
The celebration skill
During a breakup it can be hard to find any motivation, we know that there are things we can do to feel better but we might not feel motivated to do them. One very effective way at getting ourselves to do actions and create new habits is to use celebration during and after doing them. We naturally want to do actions that made us feel good. By using celebrations we create a positive feeling of having succeeded at an activity, and this makes it easier to do in the future
Ways to celebrate
A good celebration has to have two qualities: Feel Natural and produce a Feeling of Success.
A celebration can be anything from saying “well done” in your mind to fist-bumping the air and saying “yes!” out loud. The important part is to find ways to celebrate that feel natural to you. If you’re a quiet person fist-bumping the air might make you feel uncomfortable. Whereas smiling and thinking “you did great” to yourself will feel natural and good (which is our goal.)
The timing of your celebration is also important. When you celebrate during an activity you are making your body learn to enjoy it as you do it. And when you celebrate immediately after an activity you are making your body want to repeat it in the future. Both are important. As a general rule: the more you can celebrate during an activity the better.
Types of celebration
When deciding on what celebrations to use it’s good to recall what we already naturally do when we celebrate. Think of the last time you succeeded at something and what your celebration reaction was. Perhaps you passed a test, or a driving exam, or you got a new job, or a promotion. Recall how you reacted.
Here are some examples of celebrations to help you start choosing:
Saying yes! (Out loud or in your head.)
Smiling.
You did well.
I did great.
Fist-bumping the air.
Woohoo!
Come on!
Yay!
It’s a skill
Celebrating is a skill and like any skill it takes time and practise to learn. To help yourself do any new activity it’s crucial that you start small and celebrate each baby step. If you manage to comb your hair today: Celebrate. If you manage to get dressed: Celebrate. If you manage to meet up with friends: Celebrate.
As your confidence in celebrating and doing actions increases it has a snowball effect that will lead to more and more change. The key is to always celebrate your small actions every day. This way you’ll feel better doing them, your mood will increase, and you’ll be more likely to repeat actions that are good for you.
Why effective communication will save you
Often when we have a breakup it is because our ex partner wasn’t able to meet our needs, communication broke down, or they did some sort of negative action such as cheating.
Learning new skills is the best way to a healthy relationship. Learning how to effectively communicate is one of the very most important skills you can spend time on learning, it will help you in all areas of your life, but especially in romantic relationships.
Choosing the right partner can make or break your life. Having a good partner can literally make you live a longer and happier life. Whereas being in a bad relationship will cause you stress that will shorten your lifespan and reduce your happiness.
One of the best ways of preventing future heartbreak is to know how to find a good partner. I’m going to tell you the secret: It’s all about being able to communicate your needs, and seeing who can meet them. It sounds simple right? That’s because with some practise it can become the most simple yet rewarding skill you will ever learn.
People who are capable of meeting your needs, and willing to meet your needs, will do so. I’m going to say that again as it’s one of the most important facts of relationships: People who are capable of meeting your needs, and willing to do so, will meet your needs.
By learning to always state your needs straightaway in all situations then you get to evaluate who can and can’t meet them. This is especially true and important for evaluating potential partners, as you get to see immediately who is capable of meeting your needs and if they’ll be a good long-term partner.
By learning effective communication skills you will also become a better future partner by being able to navigate conflicts within your future relationship more effectively. If you only learn one new skill this year make it effective communication. It will literally transform your life, help you guard yourself from people who would do you harm, and help you to bring into your life good people who care about you and your needs.
Why dating isn’t a bad thing
For some people dating straightaway after a breakup wouldn’t necessarily be the best option, they might need time to recover, and to learn new skills. But for others it can be a great way of regaining confidence and of testing new skills. You might have heard people say how easy it is to make a mistake by entering into a rebound relationship. I want to make it clear that I’m advocating for dating and not to rush into a new relationship unless the person you meet is truly right for you and passes the following criteria that I’m going to discuss.
The best way to date
If you do want to start dating soon after your breakup the key is to go on many dates and use this as a process of boosting your confidence and experimenting with new skills. The purpose isn’t to find a new partner it’s to help you to improve yourself and to feel better (although if you do stumble across a great potential partner that is a bonus.) View this as a process that will show you that:
A. There are good people who will like you apart from your ex.
B. There are people better than your ex out there.
C. That you can heal and move on in time.
Be open and put yourself first
I cannot stress this point enough: When dating be open about your needs right from the very start and watch how your date responds. When you are open about your needs you get to see if your potential partner will be able and willing to meet your needs, and if you would be a good fit in the long-term. A date should be an evaluation. You are seeing whether the person in front of you has the skills to make you happy and meet your needs, and whether they want to. The sooner you can reject anyone who isn’t right for you the better as the longer it goes on the harder it will be to reject them.
Warning signs that a date isn’t right for you include: Ignoring your needs when you communicate them, or hesitating about a need you have talked about. Telling you about having commitment problems and/or how they have had a series of unsuccessful past relationships. Treating people around you badly such as being rude to waiters, or speaking poorly of other people in their life. Being late. Not paying attention to you. If they exhibit any of these behaviours it’s good to be cautious and to move on swiftly to the next person/date I hope you already have planned.
It will take time but you will get there
Moving on from someone you loved isn’t going to happen overnight unfortunately. There will be painful moments ahead and you will face them. As long as you stick to a process and utilise some of the skills we’ve discussed it will reduce the time it takes to heal and move on to an even better life, and an even better relationship.
For more articles and resources about creating and managing healthy relationships you can visit my website at www.simonsamuels.com
