The 3 Attributes Method for Finding the One

Simon Samuels
4 min readApr 15, 2021
©Lon Christensen @ Unsplash

Everyone wants to find the one for them, but the problem is how do you do that amongst a sea of possibilities?

That’s where the attributes method comes into play. By deciding on the specific attributes that you want to find in a new partner it gives you a clear idea of what you are really looking for.

So what attributes am I talking about? I am talking about everything from financial, to personality, to interests, to life goals. Now if you’re like most people this list is going to be long. Being realistic that you can’t easily evaluate or even find a person who meets every single desired attribute you have for a future partner makes narrowing down the list crucial.

That’s why I always recommend to narrow down your search for the one by choosing your top 3 most wanted attributes in a new partner. By choosing three attributes that you are most looking for in a future partner you narrow down the field to the people who are most likely going to be the one for you. It simplifies the process massively.

For example you might want someone who is financially secure, kind, and comes from a good family so had a good upbringing. You might want someone who wants children, has a steady job, and is physically attractive. You might want someone who is adventurous like you, enjoys travel, and loves to party. You might want someone with brown eyes who is hard working and emotionally balanced.

Finding the 3 Attributes

Now it’s time to actually figure out which three attributes matter to you the most. I want you now to list every attribute that you care about in a new partner. Imagine your perfect ideal future partner and all of the attributes you would like them to have. The list can be as long or short as you like but I recommend around 10–20 attributes. I’ve done an example list below:

• Kind.
• Loyal.
• Emotionally secure.
• Brown eyes.
• Wants a family.
• Likes peace and nature.
• Good sense of humour.
• Reliable.
• Successful or has good future potential.

Possible Attributes

If you’re stuck thinking of all the possible attributes you might be looking for in a future partner here are some of the most common ones that I’ve listed to help you out:


  • Kind.
  • Caring.
  • Funny.
  • Happy.
  • Balanced / Stable / Centred.
  • Resilient.
  • Intelligent.
  • Reliable.
  • Introverted / Extroverted.
  • Quiet / Peaceful.
  • Talkative.
  • Playful / Likes fun.
  • Doesn’t take things too seriously.
  • Warm and attentive.
  • Secure.
  • Loving.
  • Generous.
  • Confident.
  • Has similar interests to you.


  • Eye colour.
  • Body shape & height.
  • Tattoos etc. or not.
  • Style / Sense of dress.
  • Hygiene.
  • Exercise and live healthily.

Life goals:

  • Wants children or not.
  • What their career is and how much they earn.
  • Where they want to live.
  • If your life goals coincide or not.

From your list of attributes that you want in a future partner I now want you to circle or underline the top 3 most important ones that you most want in a new partner. For example:

• Wants a family.
• Kind.
• Likes peace and nature.

What to do with the 3 Attributes

Now that you know what 3 things you are most looking for in a partner it’s time to date and use the 3 attributes as a reference point. If your date has all three of your desired attributes in a future partner then you can rate them as a definite maybe. Whereas if they have none of those three attributes you know right away that they aren’t the one for you. Your ideal future partner should have all of the main attributes you wanted plus a few from your longer list of desired partner attributes.

Measuring Their 3 Attributes

You might be thinking how can I measure one of my chosen attributes for a future partner that are more difficult to measure? For example being emotionally balanced, or loyal, or generous. The answer is to ask questions either directly to your date or if you have any mutual friends or acquaintances to ask them about your date instead. Often the people around your date e.g. friends, family, colleagues, will be the people who know them the best and can most truthfully answer any questions you might have about them. They save you time with their past experiences of your date that would have otherwise taken you weeks and probably months for you to see for yourself. If you want to save yourself time and emotional heartbreak then don’t be afraid to snoop, do your research on any potential future partner that you can see yourself being with.

I want you to find the one for you, the one person who makes you feel deeply loved and happy. By using the three attributes method you will make finding the one much quicker and much easier!



Simon Samuels

Relationship Researcher & Coach: Creating Healthy Relationships @