The One Thing You Need To Have A Great Relationship: Shared Reality, Shared Truth

Simon Samuels
5 min readSep 30, 2020
Photo: Travis Grossen @ Unsplash

The biggest lie that you’ve ever heard will be that “opposites attract.” In fact one of the best ways to ruin your future romantic relationship prospects is to look for a person completely different to you. Opposites might attract at times but they very rarely stay together and not in a healthy way.

The one thing that determines the strength of your relationships is similarity.

Having shared loves will help to bond you and keep you close throughout the course of your life. Having similar hobbies, aspirations, and desires means that you’ll both move forward together in the same direction.

But really it’s more than shared hobbies and plans that make relationships strong; it’s the shared reality that you both have that makes a relationship strong.

Looking out at the world together and seeing it in a similar way helps to create a shared reality together. By having similar ways of looking at situations in the world it will help maintain intimacy and a sense that you both understand each other. It acts to draw you continuously close to each other as you both get to see yourself reflected in one another.

When you’re dating look for a shared reality

If you’re single and dating the best piece of advice I can give you is to ask your dates about things that matter to you in the world and see if they see things in a similar way to you.

If you love kids and they are wonderful to you then ask how your date feels about kids either directly or indirectly. You might want to bring up your nieces and nephews or a friend’s child that you think is cute in order to see how your date views children and if they see children as being as adorable as you do. Or if you’re a huge fan of sports or art you might want to bring that up and see how your date views those topics.

The important thing is to try and see if you have lots of “me too” moments where your date says something and you instantly recognise that you think and feel the same way about it as you do. Whether that’s about food, kids/family, religion, sports, art, work, travel, or whatever you personally find important in the world.

And make sure that you share similar views on reality for the important things. This is a crucial point. Of course two people no matter how similar they view the world will have some different views on some things otherwise it’d just be boring right! The important part is to make sure in the areas that count to you the most that you have a shared reality such as: Both wanting kids, both wanting to get married, both hating or loving socialising etc.

Watch out for the attraction trap

The biggest mistake people make is to choose a partner just because they find them attractive…and yet they have nothing in common and see the world completely differently.

Attraction is important, it’s vital that you need to be attracted to your date in order to make a future relationship work, but if you don’t have a shared reality your future relationship won’t be as good as you deserve.

Have you ever seen two people divorce who see the things they hold most important in the world from the same viewpoint? Because I haven’t either. But I have seen plenty of divorces and breakups of people who were physically attracted to each other and used that as the basis of their relationship.

Relationships mostly always break up over time because two people don’t have a shared reality within their relationship; they don’t see the important things from a similar perspective. No matter how attracted they were to each other attraction dies fast when there’s no emotional intimacy.

You can avoid all of this by taking the time to find a partner who you can create a shared reality with.

Finding a great partner isn’t as hard as you think

It sounds so simple you might be confused. People think dating is hard and that finding the right person is hard. I’m going to let you into a secret: It isn’t as hard as most people think! You just have to make sure your date sees the world in a similar way to you. The problem is that most people don’t do that.

Most people either:

1. Get flattered when the other person finds them attractive.

2. Go on looks/attraction and forget the vital emotional compatibility.

3. Act out of a desperation/fear-based mindset of worrying they won’t find better and so settle.

4. Get swayed by material things like money etc.

When you do this you’re setting yourself up to fail.

A date really is an evaluation but most people are too focussed on whether or not the other person will like them. Instead take control and find out whether your date sees the world in a similar way to you, whether you have shared ambitions, goals, and perspectives on what counts to you. That way you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of happiness.

Don’t be afraid to cut dates short

If you really have no shared reality and nothing in common with a date don’t be afraid to end it fast. Most people see a date out even if they know their date isn’t right for them.

I’m here to tell you: Don’t.

You owe a date nothing especially when you know you’re not going to be seeing them again. Of course be polite and respectful but also be respectful to yourself. You don’t want to be wasting your time or the other person’s.

Be honest if a date isn’t right for you and then make your excuses and leave. Then get back to searching for a date who is right for you.

Keep searching for a partner who you have a shared reality with, you’re attracted to, and whose life goals overlap with yours. It’s the key to your future relationship happiness.



Simon Samuels

Relationship Researcher & Coach: Creating Healthy Relationships @