Why Honesty Culture Will Ruin Your Relationship
I’ve never cheated on my partner. I’d love to live in a world where nobody betrayed each other in relationships but unfortunately we’re all human and that means some people are going to make mistakes: They’re going to get tempted and cheat, or do something that causes harm to those they love.
The problem most people who do something wrong in a relationship have is that they continue to cause damage after they’ve messed up. They feel guilty for what they have done and feel a great need to confess.
Confession is a form of selfishness, if you’ve done something wrong the very least you owe your partner is to never tell them about it and to spare them that suffering. Confession is just another way to make you feel better about something you did wrong while also hurting your partner for a second time: This time with your honesty.
If you feel the need to confess to someone, get a counsellor, or talk to another trusted person, don’t go ruining your partner’s life.
Honesty culture is a false notion that is pervasive in modern society that insists that people would “want to know” if their partner cheated. But why is that? If they treat you well and you have a good relationship why would you want to hear about their mistakes? And if they don’t treat you well and you’re not happy then why are you in a relationship with them?
We need to move past this idea that we have in society that honesty is always a good thing. It’s not. Many people cheat once and realise it was a mistake. A relationship is something that people invest heavily in and to blow that up because of some outdated notion of a moral principle is a terrible idea.
Honesty can be immoral. It can be used to hurt people. Yet when you think of honesty do you associate it with being a bad thing? You probably don’t. That’s because we’ve been brought up in a culture that insists that honesty is good even when you’ve made a terrible mistake that will hurt someone you love if you reveal it to them.
You can easily ruin your partner’s life by confessing all to them. The worst case scenario if you confess is that you break up, your partner can’t trust anyone ever again and experiences a lot of future pain and grief. The best case scenario of confessing is that your partner will forgive you and hold the pain you have given them for the rest of your lives while staying by your side.
Don’t do that to them.
If anyone should be holding the pain of their mistakes it’s the person who made them, not their innocent partner. Your mistake is something you have to deal with. It’s not your partner’s problem, don’t make it one.
Some might say that they want to know in case their partner catches a sexually transmitted disease, which is a valid reason. If you catch an STD this is the only reason I’d encourage anyone to confess. But if you were safe and didn’t catch anything you have no excuse to confess and shouldn’t say anything ever.
People might say they want to know about their partner’s infidelity but really deep down we don’t want to hear the truth about our partner’s cheating. Ignorance is bliss. Nobody wants to know that they’ve been betrayed. The most loving thing you can do if you make a big mistake is to protect your partner and loved ones from it.
